My top ten

After the New Year it's practically obligatory to have a top ten list, so here's mine...

The top 10 worst things about children:

1. The NOISE!  Oh God the noise.  This has been without a doubt the hardest thing for me to contend with when it comes to motherhood.  Particularly in the mornings.  I have never been a morning person and have tried my damnedest to convince my kids not to talk to me first thing in the morning, but to no avail.  When I tell them "I'm still asleep", they say, "but your eyes are open"!  It feels like I spend half my life "ssshing" them, so it's a wonder they are so articulate and chatty.  I will always wonder why God did not see fit to include a mute button when he invented children.
   
2. Having to repeat myself 50 times a day.  I often feel as though I'm going prematurely senile!
   
3. The way kids seem fascinated by the bottoms of their shoes and insist on touching them no matter how many bloody times you tell them not to.  And talking of shoes, how kids invariably put their shoes on the wrong feet every single time, no matter how many times you tell them to simply put them on the opposite way to whichever way they think is the right way.
   
4. Touching cars.  Why is it that kids seem to to love trailing their hands along filthy cars?!  We recently went out for a pizza with friends to celebrate my daughter's birthday.  Having been the embodiment of patient perfect motherhood, holding back on my natural tendency towards authoritarianism and actually letting a few things slid, I blew up just as we got to the car to leave.  Having held everything in all day, I faltered and let rip when my daughter seemed to purposely trail her had and the cuff of her just washed cream sheepskin coat along the side of my filthy car.  I shouted, no bellowed, at her so loudly that my husband jumped and innocent passers-by stopped in their tracks.  My husband and I then proceeded to argue over the admonishment for most of the journey home, setting another great example for our kids in the obstacle course that is parenthood.
5. The infighting.  My 5 year old is bossy and anal, and likes things done 'just so' ...a little like her mother.  My 3 year old has a screech from hell, something like a pneumatic drill.  They are both wind-up merchants, so squabbling is a frequent occurrence and drives me mental ...more noise!  
6. The way they pick their noses and then show you the offending object before gleefully and proudly popping it into their mouths!  It makes my skin crawl.
7. The incessant "whys?"  I know it's a sign of an intelligent and inquisitive mind and I should be grateful, but when it makes it impossible to enjoy a bit of music in the car because my son is asking me why the man we just passed is on his phone and who he's talking and where he's going and why he's going there ...I sometimes despair.  My husband says this is simply my punishment for asking so many damned questions myself.
8. Dirty clothes. My son has a knack of getting every item of clothing dirty at mealtimes, no matter how many bibs or aprons I make him wear, or how far up I roll his sleeves.  The other day he was eating a lamb chop when he decided to show me an little 'ouch' on his elbow.  Needless to say, he did this with the lamp chop in his hand and managed to get it all over the shoulder of his wool 'hand wash only' cardigan. 
9. Volume control.  Now you would think that if God was going to be so hard on parents as to not provide a mute button, he would at least provide volume control.  But no!  Kids seem to be clueless when it comes to controlling the level of their voices.  They switch from a great whisper to top volume in a heartbeat, just as you were beginning to think they'd cracked it. 
10. School mornings.  Not being a natural morning person, I find these particularly trying.  I have tried time and time again to explain that there is no time for never-ending questions, chit chat or general dilly dallying, but to no avail.  You see what I would like on school mornings is the 'Sound of Music' ...before Julie Andrews turned up and ruined it all!  I want military precision, but instead I tend to get Hogan's Heroes. 

The top 10 best things about kids:

1. The blissful look they have on their faces as they sleep the sleep of innocence.  
   
2. The rosy cheeked do-eyed look they have when they first wake up.
   
3. Christmas morning.  The look of pure delight and wonder when they realise that Father Xmas really has been. 
   
4. Listening to them having a conversation together.  The questions, the answers!
5. Cuddles, hugs and kisses.  When they're not fighting they're the most affectionate little cuties ever.  There's nothing quite like the sort of unconditional bear hug you get from a small child who still thinks its parents are perfection personified, even though you frequently tell them you're not.
6. The natural hearty laugh of a kid who genuinely finds something hilarious  ...and it only takes a fart, a burp, or a tickle to have them in stitches!
7. The squeezeablity of those tiny bottoms.  I probably wouldn't be allowed to say this in the police state which has become the UK, but luckily I don't live there anymore!
8. The smell of a newborn.  Nothing beats it.
9. The way they are so forgiving  ..."oh mummy, you're the best mama in the world.  I wouldn't change you for any other mummy in the world."  Even when you feel you've had a particularly bad mother day.  Long may it last, but not much past puberty I reckon!
10. The sense of pride you feel when you look at the little creatures and remember that you actually played a large part in making them and they're magical.

By Mummy Dearest