Once an ass, always an ass!

When my daughter was little I used to refer to her backside as her 'tata'.  However, one fine day my husband called it an 'ass' and it stuck.  Much as I at first tried to stick to the original designated term (bearing in mind that I'm living in a fairly conservative Catholic country and my daughter might well have ended up being schooled by nuns, I thought it best to avoid what might be considered brash language on a 5 year old), ever since then it has been referred to as an 'ass'.

Now four or five years later, I have embraced the term and go out of my way to incorporate it into my daily banter with the kids.  The challenge is to insert it where it's least expected ..if you want them to fall about laughing that is.  For example, my daughter announces out of the blue in the middle of eating her supper  "I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm feeling hot" like the sky is going to fall in if the situation is not resolved immediately.  My response might be "you know what's hot?  My ass is hot" or "you know what's going to feel hot? Your ass when I've whooped it."  If I say this to my 3 year old son, his response is usually "whoop it mama, whoop it" ...even if his is the ass in question!  A bigger challenge is "I'm feeling cold, I'm feeling cold".  Again usually in the middle of a meal when hands are dirty and resolving temperature issues entails cleaning hands and dressing or undressing kids in the middle of trying to cook or eat one's own meal.  As I began my response to this latest challenge with the usual "you know what's going to feel ...cold? (husband and kids were already giggling in anticipation of how I was going to incorporate the word 'ass') ...the ice pack you're going to need to put on your ass after I've whooped it!"

As you may have gathered, 'ass whoopings', as well as 'asses' in general are another great theme in our household, but don't worry, they hardly ever get any!

By the way, my husband also found a great way of bringing 'ass' into the conversation the other day.  Pointing at one of the (now shrivelled up) balloons the kids had brought home from a birthday party several weeks before, he announced proudly "look, it's mama's ass!"  Cheeky sod!!

By Mummy Dearest

Prison showers

At first I just thought we were cruel parents rushing our kids through one of the best parts of the day and robbing them of their much loved baths.  However, the little nutters love them.  We stand them up against the back wall of the shower and shout "arms up in the name of the law!"  Then they start giggling as they put their arms up and down fast, simultaneously loving the idea of having their underarms tickled, while doing their best to avoid it and squealing "do it again, again."  Then we shout "spread 'em!" as we get ready for the big rinse.  What this is doing to them psychologically only time will tell, but they're certainly have a laugh now!

This evening after their prison shower, my daughter said with her usual the sky's going to fall in if I don't get what I need now urgency "I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty."   So my husband, the wind up merchant that he is, said "open your mouth" and then made as though he was going to spit into it.  My daughter squealed half in horror, half in delight and holding her head in her hands said through a big cheeky grin, "I can't believe I said they were such good parents [pregnant pause], it turns out they're not  ...they're horrors!"  Peals of laughter all round.

Good family fun.  Makes you proud, doesn't it?!

By Mummy Dearest

No shit!

I don't know how I forgot to mention this on my top ten worst things about having kids because it is right up there!  Going to the loo on your own.  To put it crudely, as soon as you have kids you can forget ever taking a shit in peace again.  And let's face it this is the only time you now have left to read anything, so it's a double whammy!  No matter how many times I tell them to leave me alone to enjoy a much needed bit of me time, they always find some excuse to interrupt me.  My ass only has to hover over the toilet bowl before they've either barged in with a question that couldn't possibly have waited 10 mins, or they suddenly absolutely have to poo right now themselves, or they decide to fight outside the door, so that I end up screaming at them to "shut it", obviously completely crushing any hope of relaxation!  Whoever thought that one could miss the most basic of functions so much?!    

By Mummy Dearest

Sodding end!

This morning I said to my daughter "you're the sodding end," as she wound her brother up for the zillionth time.  "I like being a sodding end" came the reply!  This last comment to be topped only by her one the other day.  She had climbed into bed with me for a cuddle in the morning and I was complaining bitterly about her freezing cold feet seeking out my warm toastie body, when she had the cheek to say "just stop whining and cuddle me mama!"  Perfect bloody little parrot!!  

Turning kids into ourselves ...oh no!

You know too much of yourself is rubbing off on your kids when while driving an imaginary car at the playground your four year old daughter shouts out of her imaginary car window "it was my right of way you cow".  When I tried to berate her she said, "I'm only pretending mama, it's OK if I'm only pretending isn't it?"  I've realised that parenting is an interesting balance between trying to create perfect clones of yourself and trying to ensure that your kids turn out nothing like you!  I am currently trying to train my kids military style to be on time for school and naps.  As I mentioned in my top 10, what I have in mind is the Sound of Music ...before Julie Andrews turned up and ruined it all.  I can frequently be heard reminding my children that when we're in a hurry all I want is silence and obedience!   The reason being purely due to my own shortcomings.  As women we are supposed to be great at multitasking, but I find that post-kids I am unable to operate with their incessant noise in the background.  In fact, I seem to need complete silence to achieve anything  ...and this is not withstanding having trained myself to do my homework in front of TV (I actually convinced my poor deluded mother that I worked better that way!)  Can you believe she fell for that?  I can't.  In hindsight, I obviously realise that the reason I was often up till midnight doing my homework is because I was so utterly distracted by the TV.  How my mother did not realise this is beyond me.  But I digress.  So the reason I insist on silence and obedience is that if I don't I will invariably forget what I'm meant to be doing and leave half the things I need behind me.  Unfortunately, I almost never get the 'Silence' and 'Obedience' I so desperately crave, so I'm reduced to a neurotic shouting mess every school morning, undoubtedly leaving the neighbours with a very bad impression of my parenting skills!

By Mummy Dearest

My top ten

After the New Year it's practically obligatory to have a top ten list, so here's mine...

The top 10 worst things about children:

1. The NOISE!  Oh God the noise.  This has been without a doubt the hardest thing for me to contend with when it comes to motherhood.  Particularly in the mornings.  I have never been a morning person and have tried my damnedest to convince my kids not to talk to me first thing in the morning, but to no avail.  When I tell them "I'm still asleep", they say, "but your eyes are open"!  It feels like I spend half my life "ssshing" them, so it's a wonder they are so articulate and chatty.  I will always wonder why God did not see fit to include a mute button when he invented children.
   
2. Having to repeat myself 50 times a day.  I often feel as though I'm going prematurely senile!
   
3. The way kids seem fascinated by the bottoms of their shoes and insist on touching them no matter how many bloody times you tell them not to.  And talking of shoes, how kids invariably put their shoes on the wrong feet every single time, no matter how many times you tell them to simply put them on the opposite way to whichever way they think is the right way.
   
4. Touching cars.  Why is it that kids seem to to love trailing their hands along filthy cars?!  We recently went out for a pizza with friends to celebrate my daughter's birthday.  Having been the embodiment of patient perfect motherhood, holding back on my natural tendency towards authoritarianism and actually letting a few things slid, I blew up just as we got to the car to leave.  Having held everything in all day, I faltered and let rip when my daughter seemed to purposely trail her had and the cuff of her just washed cream sheepskin coat along the side of my filthy car.  I shouted, no bellowed, at her so loudly that my husband jumped and innocent passers-by stopped in their tracks.  My husband and I then proceeded to argue over the admonishment for most of the journey home, setting another great example for our kids in the obstacle course that is parenthood.
5. The infighting.  My 5 year old is bossy and anal, and likes things done 'just so' ...a little like her mother.  My 3 year old has a screech from hell, something like a pneumatic drill.  They are both wind-up merchants, so squabbling is a frequent occurrence and drives me mental ...more noise!  
6. The way they pick their noses and then show you the offending object before gleefully and proudly popping it into their mouths!  It makes my skin crawl.
7. The incessant "whys?"  I know it's a sign of an intelligent and inquisitive mind and I should be grateful, but when it makes it impossible to enjoy a bit of music in the car because my son is asking me why the man we just passed is on his phone and who he's talking and where he's going and why he's going there ...I sometimes despair.  My husband says this is simply my punishment for asking so many damned questions myself.
8. Dirty clothes. My son has a knack of getting every item of clothing dirty at mealtimes, no matter how many bibs or aprons I make him wear, or how far up I roll his sleeves.  The other day he was eating a lamb chop when he decided to show me an little 'ouch' on his elbow.  Needless to say, he did this with the lamp chop in his hand and managed to get it all over the shoulder of his wool 'hand wash only' cardigan. 
9. Volume control.  Now you would think that if God was going to be so hard on parents as to not provide a mute button, he would at least provide volume control.  But no!  Kids seem to be clueless when it comes to controlling the level of their voices.  They switch from a great whisper to top volume in a heartbeat, just as you were beginning to think they'd cracked it. 
10. School mornings.  Not being a natural morning person, I find these particularly trying.  I have tried time and time again to explain that there is no time for never-ending questions, chit chat or general dilly dallying, but to no avail.  You see what I would like on school mornings is the 'Sound of Music' ...before Julie Andrews turned up and ruined it all!  I want military precision, but instead I tend to get Hogan's Heroes. 

The top 10 best things about kids:

1. The blissful look they have on their faces as they sleep the sleep of innocence.  
   
2. The rosy cheeked do-eyed look they have when they first wake up.
   
3. Christmas morning.  The look of pure delight and wonder when they realise that Father Xmas really has been. 
   
4. Listening to them having a conversation together.  The questions, the answers!
5. Cuddles, hugs and kisses.  When they're not fighting they're the most affectionate little cuties ever.  There's nothing quite like the sort of unconditional bear hug you get from a small child who still thinks its parents are perfection personified, even though you frequently tell them you're not.
6. The natural hearty laugh of a kid who genuinely finds something hilarious  ...and it only takes a fart, a burp, or a tickle to have them in stitches!
7. The squeezeablity of those tiny bottoms.  I probably wouldn't be allowed to say this in the police state which has become the UK, but luckily I don't live there anymore!
8. The smell of a newborn.  Nothing beats it.
9. The way they are so forgiving  ..."oh mummy, you're the best mama in the world.  I wouldn't change you for any other mummy in the world."  Even when you feel you've had a particularly bad mother day.  Long may it last, but not much past puberty I reckon!
10. The sense of pride you feel when you look at the little creatures and remember that you actually played a large part in making them and they're magical.

By Mummy Dearest

Sleep Deprivation Talking

On a number of occasions I’ve found myself saying to my son age (almost) 3, “stop being selfish and go to sleep”.  It has just dawned on me that in 12 years time I shall be saying “stop being selfish and wake up!”  Let’s be truthful here, kids are basically selfish.  They think the world revolves around them and most of the time, it does.  My daughter aged (almost) 5 frequently wants things “now” and my son wants them “right now!”  Not withstanding the fact that I’ve most likely got my arms full and obviously can’t do anything “now”, let alone “right now”. 

This all applies until I desperately need something done “now.”  Then they’re all terribly laid back and can easily mess around for a good 20 minutes putting a pair of shoes on the wrong feet, at which point I have to either succumb and drop everything in my over-laden arms, or risk bursting a blood vessel trying to convince them of the urgency of getting to school on time  …for once!  Of course I spend most of my time oscillating between feeling as though my whole world will come crashing down if I’m late just one more time and acknowledging that the world as I knew it has already been floored, so what does it all matter anyway in the grand scheme of things? 

There are days when I sincerely wish I could be more laid back and care less about most things, but unfortunately, I’m just too anal to wish for anything other than the things most important to me, because I’m constantly thinking “careful what you wish for!”  In reality, the older I get, the more anally retentive I become and being a natural born worrier (with a bit of “brought up by a single mother” warrior thrown in) just adds to the dilemmas of my daily life.  I seesaw in character between Brie Vandecamp and Lynette Scavo.  I’m the career woman turned stay-at-home mum who fluctuates between hysterical mother and Bakewell tart (and by that I mean bake a home-made tart well).  My kids reflect my inner madness.  My daughter is a cross between an overly cloned mini me on the anal front and a hoodie who runs around saying “bollocks” at varying volumes to gauge the effect it has on my temperament.  My son meanwhile catches on fast to the hilarity of repeatedly saying something inappropriate such as “bollocks” while waiting in his high chair for lunch to be served.

All I can say at the end of a day, is this motherhood / parenthood lark is a lot harder than anyone ever let on.  As with everything in life, one only appreciates what one had when it’s gone.  I do miss the freedom and spontaneity I had pre-kids, although even then I doubt that “spontaneous” would have been the first word my friends would have used to describe me.  All that said, I know full well that as hard as these years with young kids are, they will probably be the ones I miss most.  The years when it only takes a cheeky grin or a touch of their exceedingly soft skin to melt your resolve.  Although I already often feel as though I’m talking to a teenager while engaging with my four year old, the actual teenage years will undoubtedly be a lot harder  …all the strife without so much of the cuddling to make up for it!

By Mummy Dearest