No shit!

I don't know how I forgot to mention this on my top ten worst things about having kids because it is right up there!  Going to the loo on your own.  To put it crudely, as soon as you have kids you can forget ever taking a shit in peace again.  And let's face it this is the only time you now have left to read anything, so it's a double whammy!  No matter how many times I tell them to leave me alone to enjoy a much needed bit of me time, they always find some excuse to interrupt me.  My ass only has to hover over the toilet bowl before they've either barged in with a question that couldn't possibly have waited 10 mins, or they suddenly absolutely have to poo right now themselves, or they decide to fight outside the door, so that I end up screaming at them to "shut it", obviously completely crushing any hope of relaxation!  Whoever thought that one could miss the most basic of functions so much?!    

By Mummy Dearest

Sodding end!

This morning I said to my daughter "you're the sodding end," as she wound her brother up for the zillionth time.  "I like being a sodding end" came the reply!  This last comment to be topped only by her one the other day.  She had climbed into bed with me for a cuddle in the morning and I was complaining bitterly about her freezing cold feet seeking out my warm toastie body, when she had the cheek to say "just stop whining and cuddle me mama!"  Perfect bloody little parrot!!  

Turning kids into ourselves ...oh no!

You know too much of yourself is rubbing off on your kids when while driving an imaginary car at the playground your four year old daughter shouts out of her imaginary car window "it was my right of way you cow".  When I tried to berate her she said, "I'm only pretending mama, it's OK if I'm only pretending isn't it?"  I've realised that parenting is an interesting balance between trying to create perfect clones of yourself and trying to ensure that your kids turn out nothing like you!  I am currently trying to train my kids military style to be on time for school and naps.  As I mentioned in my top 10, what I have in mind is the Sound of Music ...before Julie Andrews turned up and ruined it all.  I can frequently be heard reminding my children that when we're in a hurry all I want is silence and obedience!   The reason being purely due to my own shortcomings.  As women we are supposed to be great at multitasking, but I find that post-kids I am unable to operate with their incessant noise in the background.  In fact, I seem to need complete silence to achieve anything  ...and this is not withstanding having trained myself to do my homework in front of TV (I actually convinced my poor deluded mother that I worked better that way!)  Can you believe she fell for that?  I can't.  In hindsight, I obviously realise that the reason I was often up till midnight doing my homework is because I was so utterly distracted by the TV.  How my mother did not realise this is beyond me.  But I digress.  So the reason I insist on silence and obedience is that if I don't I will invariably forget what I'm meant to be doing and leave half the things I need behind me.  Unfortunately, I almost never get the 'Silence' and 'Obedience' I so desperately crave, so I'm reduced to a neurotic shouting mess every school morning, undoubtedly leaving the neighbours with a very bad impression of my parenting skills!

By Mummy Dearest