More on asses...

The other day I made the mistake of muttering to myself, in the presence of the kids, that the dog's breath smelt like she'd been licking her ass.  Later that day my husband comes downstairs having just put the kids to bed and says "what is up with those two?  They wouldn't stop jumping on our bed shouting 'lick my ass, lick my ass' like hyper-nutters."  "I don't know" said I, "they've been doing that all day."  Then the penny dropped ...aha!  Moral of the story ...watch what you say in front of the kids.

By Mummy Dearest

Old McDonalds going organic?

As I washed up this morning I overheard the kids playing another make believe game.  My 5 year old was saying to the 3 year old "come on we're going to Old McDonalds to get some chicken nuggets and we're going to get a present."  Unfortunately, this is the latest import from school.  Although our kids have never been to the dreaded McDonalds, they are still being influenced by the dratted little toys they give away to entice little children because they see their friends with them.  Come to think of it, McDonalds is really just like the witch's cottage in Hansel and Gretel!

Anyway, on hearing the kids mention the sacrilegious chicken nuggets, I asked "would you eat poo if someone offered you a little bit of plastic rubbish?"  "No, mama" came the answer.  So I proceeded to give them a cynical lesson about the world we live in and told them that the only reason they give plastic rubbish away to kids is to get them to back for more sugar and salt filled 'nuggets' and the reason they put so much salt and sugar in the 'nuggets' in the first place is so that little children get addicted to them and keep coming back for more and the only reason they any of this is to make money!  Having vented I turned to my daughter who said, "but mama they're home-made chicken nuggets and we're going to an organic McDonalds!"  What could I say to that but, "oh well, that's alright then."  If only!

By Mummy Dearest

Recipe for wonderfully easy breakfast muffins or tea cake

This recipe was given to me some time ago by a friend who in turn got it from who knows where.   Recently I've begun experimenting with it and it really is a great flexible recipe, so I've decided to share it.  For those of you who watch your consumption of animal fats and/or sugar, the good news is it has neither butter nor sugar in it.

It's the easiest recipe in the world, so here goes...

Ingredients

2 apples peeled and chopped (you could probably use pears or plums or bananas etc instead if you wanted to)

100 g dates (I recently used half raisins and half dates which worked very well)

225 g self-raising wholemeal flour (you can also use half self-raising white and half wholemeal if you want it a little lighter, but personally if I can avoid white flour I do)

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 tablespoon lemon juice

zest of 1 lemon

125 ml plain yoghurt

2 eggs beaten

100 ml vegetable oil

 

Last time I made this I also added a handful of chopped walnuts and a handful of dessicated coconut.  If it's not sweet enough for you, you could add a tablespoon of honey, or sprinkle some brown sugar on the top in the last 5 mins of cooking.

Method

Place apple, dates (and/or raisins, coconut and walnuts), flour, cinnamon and lemon zest in a large bowl and mix well.  Mix beaten egg, yoghurt, oil and lemon juice (I whisk them altogether using a simple hand whisk or fork).   Pour wet ingredients into dry ones and mix together using a wooden spoon or spatula (no need for heavy kitchen machinery!).  

Pour into a grease proofed muffin tin or 20 cm cake tin and bake at 180C for 30 mins as muffins or 1 hour as a cake.  Check with a skewer through the middle to make sure they're / it's done.  Leave in the tin for about 5 mins and then turn onto a cooling rack.  Makes about 15 muffins or cake for 6-8 people.  

Happy baking!

By Mummy Dearest

Recommendation of the year!

Personally, I'm a telly addict.  Notwithstanding that, or perhaps because of that, I want to ensure that my kids do not follow suit.  I've been an avid TV viewer since I was around eight years old, if not before.  Although I did read a lot (at one point my life's ambition was to be a librarian, yes, it's true!), I was so addicted to the black box I even did my homework in front of it, though strangely ours was white at the time.

As a parent, I am determined my kids will have developed other interests long before they get sucked in and develop square eyes.  On the other hand, I do not want to deny them of it so completely that viewing it becomes an act of rebellion.  So, at the weekends or on sick days our kids are allowed to choose a dvd to watch from our small collection of vetted short animated series for kids such as Miffy, Charlie and Lola, or the most recent addition Shaun the Sheep.  The latter is my recommendation of the year.  It is by the makers of Wallace & Gromit and it is absolutely brilliant.  No silly voices to listen to, just great animation and wonderful characters getting up to all sorts of mischief.  It is truly a joy to watch and a great source of laughter and amusement for the whole family.  If you don't let your kids watch anything else, let them watch this.  You won't regret it  and it will help keep at bay the shite currently shown on various 'kids' channels.

For now at least, TV only goes on to air the aforementioned choice pieces, or perhaps a classic like the Wombles, Winnie the Pooh, or another recent favourite and their first full length film, The Jungle Book.   After that the evil box goes off again!

By Mummy Dearest

'Billicking' cord

My daughter has loved babies ever since I can remember.  She can't get enough of them or anything to do with them.  She jumps into friends' car-seats at the first opportunity, she hijacks pushchairs and acts like a mother hen around anyone even a fraction younger than herself.

When she was about 18 months old she began to take an interest in dolls.  We had been given a huge baby type doll by aunt.  It had been my cousin's when she was a girl and was probably almost as old as I was.  I actively encouraged her interest, as I was already 3 months pregnant with her brother and I thought this would help her understanding of my pregnancy and ward off any jealousy.  Well it worked.  She was good as gold and very loving when her brother came along.  She was smitten with him and loved cradling him in her arms whenever she could.

Since then, her interest in babies has not waned a bit, but now we've progressed to giving birth to them too.  Apparently she's had 101 babies already and I have been the mid-wife at most of these births!  The first was quite spectacular.  She suddenly announced that she had a baby in her tummy and it was coming now,  so I had to rush over to the sofa to attend the imminent birth.  She knew full well that babies come out of your 'nani', but this was the first time she'd simulated pushing an over-sized doll through it!  I told her to get on all fours on the sofa and I would pull as she pushed.  Then she said "ooh, I can see the legs," so I had to explain all about breech births while my husband rolled his eyes next door in the kitchen.  You'll be glad to know the baby survived its breech birth and my daughter has gone on to have many more successful births since then.

As is the way, with kids growing up, I'm less needed these days.  Nowadays, my mid-wifery skills are less in demand than they were because she is 'married' to her brother and he also gets to play the mid-wife.  The other day, after giving birth on the bathroom floor with my son in attendance of course, she proudly announced to me that her husband was such a good daddy he had even cut the 'billicking' cord!

By Mummy Dearest

The sweet smell of children

There is nothing more wonderful than a sleeping child.  Not least of all because it means they have finally shut-up and stopped asking endless questions!  However, the thing I love most about my sleeping kids is their unique smell ...a combination of sleepy breath, sweet sweat and farts.  I just love it!  I can't get enough of it.  Their rosy cheeks, soft skin and delightful scent all serve to remind you that there is something truly wonderful about being a mother   ...most of the time.  In fact, there's nothing better than giving a sleepy child a big kiss to remind ourselves it's all worthwhile.

The good old days

Before motherhood I would talk to myself frequently.  I've been caught out by my husband on several occasions.  He'd come back from nipping out to the newsagents while I waited in the car and catch me at it.  Apparently he could see my lips moving as he approached the car.  20:20 vision as he likes to remind his four-eyed wife.  He also seems to have some sort of supersonic hearing.  He's actually shouted to me to stop talking to myself in the bathroom upstairs, while he was in the kitchen of our then house downstairs.  I was taking precautions too, by whispering.  However, whenever I shouted down to him for something from upstairs he would be strangely deaf as a bloody post.

Anyway, I digress.  Just as I was beginning to blend in what with everyone else using hands free sets, I went and had kids.  Now I have no chance of a peaceful natter with myself because the instant I open my mouth one of the kids intervenes with a "what are you saying mama?"  "Nothing," I reply, "I'm just talking to myself."  "But what are you saying?"  "None of your bloody beeswax," I retort.  "Can't I just talk to myself in peace?"  "No, we want to know what you're saying."  And so I have to explain what I've been saying and why, which takes all the damn fun out of it.

Well, got to dash.  I have to rescue the kids from a giant who has just gone upstairs carrying a torch and shouting Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum while the kids play hide and seek.

By Mummy Dearest

Smacking? Try ear-flicking!

Back in January, my friend Scooterlassie pointed out an article from the English Sunday Times quoting a study which showed that smacking your kids up until the age of six might actually make them more successful teenagers.   I firmly believe that the UK has gone from one mad extreme - caning - to another - arresting parents for smacking their kids. Their policy has certainly done nothing to protect kids as we see from cases such as Baby P and numerous others over the years and while I'm not particularly in favour of smacking, I am not against it either. Everything in moderation is my motto and although I would prefer not to smack and I usually only resort to it out of frustration, I do believe that it sometimes has a place in disciplining one's kids. Yes, it is hypocritical to tell your kids that hitting is wrong and then turn round and whoop them yourselves, but there are also life lessons to be learnt from understanding why you have lashed out, particularly if you stop to discuss and explain your actions. Sometimes a short, sharp shock is also necessary. If you've tried reprimanding in your strictest voice, threatened punishments, counted to three and have been repeatedly ignored, or if the fact that your child is stubbornly ignoring you is putting them in imminent danger, then I find a good strong ear-flick works wonders. It even meets the UK guidelines as it doesn't usually leave any lasting red marks and while admittedly it does hurt like hell (I have tried this on myself and my husband!), the pain dissipates as quickly as it arrived. No lasting physical damage at least! Other benefits are that it is very discrete and when delivering one of these in public, it is very hard for people to understand what you've just done. The only real evidence that you have indeed done something is the immediate reaction of the child - obedience, particularly if another flick is threatened!

Now some of you will no doubt be horrified and some, like a friend I mentioned this to recently, will be accusing me of child abuse. However, all I can say is that I love my kids enormously and the brighter your kids are, the more they need and respect discipline. They get plenty of cuddles and kisses and positive physical contact to counteract a smack or an ear-flick here and there. Also, they (almost) always get warned that the ear-flick is coming and most importantly, I do my best to explain my actions and reactions. Given my friend's admonishments when I told her about my ear-flicking habits, I even discussed this with my kids. They actually said they preferred smacking to ear-flicking which I thought was a bit mad, but perhaps it has to do with the fact that they get smacked less than they get ear-flicked! I did say I would try and do less ear-flicking, so the other day when I threatened to flick my daughter's ear for something (probably bossing her brother around as usual) she said "I thought you weren't going to flick our ears anymore!" To which I replied, "well I've decided that it's not that bad and if you don't like it then I suggest you don't do it to your kids." "Ok," she replied and happily carried on with her game. I feel this is fair enough. Just the way I have banned face-slapping in our house because my mother used to do it to me and I hated it with a passion, I feel my kids can make that same judgement when they have kids. If they feel ear-flicking is a step too far, then they can find another solution which suits them better. Having my face slapped did not scar me physically or psychologically (at least I don't think so!) and it is not something that happened often, but it is something I remember disliking intensely and so I have decided to break that pattern and not repeat it. I think my kids are intelligent and well-rounded enough to judge for themselves and make similar decisions when the time comes. In the meantime, I see plenty of kids who get less discipline than mine and who are far rougher when playing with other kids. Granted mine beat each other up on a regular basis, but at least they do not beat up other people's kids even when they have on occasion been hit by other kids themselves. Rather than retaliate, they come to me and tell me what the offending child has done ....perhaps in the hope that I will teach them a lesson with a jolly good ear-flicking! Bad mother? Only time will tell. In the meantime, whenever my son has been caught misbehaving he quickly covers his ears with his hands and gives me a cheeky grin, so occasionally I have to go for his nose instead!

By Mummy Dearest

The phrase I use most often since I've had kids...

 ....God give me patience!  I specifically asked for more patience for Xmas, but none was forthcoming.  Oh well, maybe next year.

By Mummy Dearest

Bad mother?

This morning my kids and I didn't eat breakfast till 11.30am.  They spent some time playing individually in their rooms, then some more time playing together while we slept in.  We even managed to fit in a cheeky shag!  My husband then got ready for work while the kids got into bed with me to 'spoon' and cuddle.  When I suggested we go down to get some breakfast, my daughter said "no! not yet."  I said "aren't you hungry?  Some people would think I was a very bad mother for not having fed you two yet."  "I'm not that hungry, I'm enjoying chatting in bed," she replied.  "Ok," I said, "five more minutes, but don't you dare tell your grandmother what time we had breakfast!"

By Mummy Dearest

Once an ass, always an ass!

When my daughter was little I used to refer to her backside as her 'tata'.  However, one fine day my husband called it an 'ass' and it stuck.  Much as I at first tried to stick to the original designated term (bearing in mind that I'm living in a fairly conservative Catholic country and my daughter might well have ended up being schooled by nuns, I thought it best to avoid what might be considered brash language on a 5 year old), ever since then it has been referred to as an 'ass'.

Now four or five years later, I have embraced the term and go out of my way to incorporate it into my daily banter with the kids.  The challenge is to insert it where it's least expected ..if you want them to fall about laughing that is.  For example, my daughter announces out of the blue in the middle of eating her supper  "I'm hot, I'm hot, I'm feeling hot" like the sky is going to fall in if the situation is not resolved immediately.  My response might be "you know what's hot?  My ass is hot" or "you know what's going to feel hot? Your ass when I've whooped it."  If I say this to my 3 year old son, his response is usually "whoop it mama, whoop it" ...even if his is the ass in question!  A bigger challenge is "I'm feeling cold, I'm feeling cold".  Again usually in the middle of a meal when hands are dirty and resolving temperature issues entails cleaning hands and dressing or undressing kids in the middle of trying to cook or eat one's own meal.  As I began my response to this latest challenge with the usual "you know what's going to feel ...cold? (husband and kids were already giggling in anticipation of how I was going to incorporate the word 'ass') ...the ice pack you're going to need to put on your ass after I've whooped it!"

As you may have gathered, 'ass whoopings', as well as 'asses' in general are another great theme in our household, but don't worry, they hardly ever get any!

By the way, my husband also found a great way of bringing 'ass' into the conversation the other day.  Pointing at one of the (now shrivelled up) balloons the kids had brought home from a birthday party several weeks before, he announced proudly "look, it's mama's ass!"  Cheeky sod!!

By Mummy Dearest

Prison showers

At first I just thought we were cruel parents rushing our kids through one of the best parts of the day and robbing them of their much loved baths.  However, the little nutters love them.  We stand them up against the back wall of the shower and shout "arms up in the name of the law!"  Then they start giggling as they put their arms up and down fast, simultaneously loving the idea of having their underarms tickled, while doing their best to avoid it and squealing "do it again, again."  Then we shout "spread 'em!" as we get ready for the big rinse.  What this is doing to them psychologically only time will tell, but they're certainly have a laugh now!

This evening after their prison shower, my daughter said with her usual the sky's going to fall in if I don't get what I need now urgency "I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty."   So my husband, the wind up merchant that he is, said "open your mouth" and then made as though he was going to spit into it.  My daughter squealed half in horror, half in delight and holding her head in her hands said through a big cheeky grin, "I can't believe I said they were such good parents [pregnant pause], it turns out they're not  ...they're horrors!"  Peals of laughter all round.

Good family fun.  Makes you proud, doesn't it?!

By Mummy Dearest